


Any Which Way

by sanguineswanqueen



Series: Scissor Sisters [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/F, One Shot, Porn Without Plot Without Porn, Short One Shot, Smut, Smutty, crackish, mildly smutty, slightly cracky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-10
Updated: 2014-11-10
Packaged: 2018-02-24 20:11:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2594927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanguineswanqueen/pseuds/sanguineswanqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snow and Charming are over for dinner and Emma and Regina have a sort of battle of sorts: who can turn the other one on more without Snow, Charming, or Henry noticing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Any Which Way

Emma had been wanting Regina all damn day. She was ready to take Regina the second she got home. But in her terrible ongoing effort to get Snow and Regina to tolerate each other, she had invited her parents over for dinner. They were going to be there for hours.

Regina had started cooking dinner and Snow and Charming were due in 10 minutes. Scratch that. 8 minutes. Shit. Emma decided to try and take out her sexual frustration by setting the table. Minutes later, she was back in the kitchen, watching Regina bend over to check the lasagna. Yeah, whoever said that setting the table could do shit was completely wrong. What Emma needed was an ice cold shower. Or maybe just to be able to bend Regina over a table and...

6 minutes later and she was still wired as ever. The doorbell rang and Emma strode over to answer the door. She was entirely too wired to be doing this. Snow’s smile was normally kind and reassuring, but today it just seemed like it was mocking.

“Hi!”

“Hey, Snow. Have a seat. Regina says the lasagna will be ready in a bit minutes. Dad, I think Henry has something to show you.”

“Henry!” Emma yelled.

“I’ll be down with a minute, Mom!” Called a voice from upstairs.

“I brought pumpkin pie” Snow lifted a pie tin. Emma feigned a smile.

“Cool.” Emma liked pumpkin pie. A little bit of whipped cream and it was the perfect desert. And all of a sudden, she was thinking of kissing whipped cream off of Regina’s… Jesus Christ she needed to calm herself.  
Henry came clomping down the stairs and brought the whole conversation to a stop.

“Hi David, I wanted to show you the birdhouse I made today. Snow, I think you’ll like this too.“ He explained excitedly.

“I’ll just go into the kitchen and see how Regina’s doing with dinner.”

Emma turned to go check on Regina. The lasagna. How Regina was doing with the lasagna. Crap.

“Regina, How’s the lasagna coming?”

Regina lifted her eyes from the book. “It was done ten minutes ago. I just wanted to delay talking to Snow for as long as possible.”

“The sooner we eat dinner, the sooner they leave, the sooner we can be having wild, kinky sex.”

Regina set down her book. “I’m listening.”

“Look, all I want is for you to get along. And all you have to do is be civil with my mom for about an hour and my parents take Henry home and we can finally bang in peace.”

Regina sighed “For you, I can do anything.” Emma smiled “Now hand me the potholder. You get everybody to the table.”

Emma went to collect the family and bring them to the table.

After dinner, they had all eaten too much lasagna to move, so they sat waiting until they had room for pumpkin pie. Henry talked to Charming about how he had been studying the native wildlife and Regina was talking to Snow, surprisingly amicably, about pie recipes. And Emma was still as wired as she was when she was watching Regina bend over to check the lasagna. So she ran her hand up Regina’s thigh until Regina gave her a glare that could cut through stone. Emma removed her hand.

“That was a great lasagna, mom. One of your best.” Henry said.  
Everyone murmured in agreement. Snow asked “What kind of cheese did you use?”

Emma licked her lips just slightly, but very purposfuly. Enough that only Regina would notice.  
“Havarti” Regina sighed deeply. “Danish Havarti” Regina then realized what Emma was trying to do and glared at her. “What I did was I added the cheese topping at the end.”

Snow said something to charming about how ‘that was exactly what I do with the topping on my blueberry cobbler’ but Regina wasn’t listening because Emma was whispering something into Regina’s ear “I want you so fucking bad. In front of my parents. I don’t give a damn. Just take me.”

Regina’s voice came out cracked “So, Snow, I hear you’ve started an after school gardening club. How is that working out?”

Snow was thrilled. “Spectacularly, actually. The kids love playing in the dirt and the community center really needs vegetables for warm soup night. We picked a really great year to start. The carrots are growing in nicely and the green beans are looking good. And…”

Regina was trying to concentrate on what Snow was saying. It would take her mind off of Emma. The way that Emma was sitting so close at that moment. She could feel Emma’s warmth through their clothes. Part of Regina was furious at Emma for turning her on too. It was bad enough for Emma to be a horny idiot. But she could play too. She could make Emma stew for a while. Turn about is fair play. Regina smiled.

“I’ll start getting the pie ready”

“I’ll go too.” Emma said.

Emma followed Regina into the kitchen. As Emma walked, she tried not to look at Regina’s ass. She failed miserably.  
The second the kitchen door swung shut, Regina started to chew out Emma out as she prepared to serve the pie.

“ I know you’re turned on right now, but do you have to drag me down with you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Groping me under the table, pressing yourself up against me on the couch, licking your lips, telling me how much you wanna fuck me.”

“And I suppose you’re innocent in all this. You keep… You’re just… You’re really fucking hot and I can’t keep my eyes off you!”

“So your game is to make me as aroused as you are, so we’re both sex crazed lunatics?!?!”

Emma shrugged and agreed.

“Two can play that game.” And with that, Regina walked back into the living room.

Regina sat down at the table next to Emma once everyone was served. Regina put her hand halfway up Emma’s thigh and Emma inhaled a little bit of pie. She coughed while Snow tried to tell her to drink some milk. Emma glared at Regina while she ate her pie. Regina had kept her hand of Emma’s leg and was moving it steadily upward.

Emma wasn’t going to get beaten that easily. “Oh. My. God. That pie is good.” And the moan that followed was just a little to sexual for pumpkin pie.

Regina retaliated. “You know, as much as I like the pie, I think that the whipped cream is often underrated.” She took a dollop of whipped cream from her plate onto her finger and sucked it off suggestively.

“Charming, Henry, I think we should leave. It’s getting late.” Snow interrupted.

“It’s only 8 o’clock!” protested Henry “And I didn’t even get to finish my pie!”

“I have another pie at home. You can have some for breakfast. How does that sound? Now you can go grab your overnight bag right now and put it in the car.”

Henry was puzzled and looked to his grandfather for guidance. David was just as confused about the ordeal as Henry, but he nodded. That was enough for Henry and he went bounding up the stairs. Snow started to clear the dishes before Emma or Regina could even get the chance.

In a few seconds, Henry was putting his bag in the back of David’s car for the sleepover at the Charmings.

Walking out to the car David asked Snow “What in the world was going on? Why did we leave so fast?”

Snow just turned to David and said “ You don’t want to know. Trust me. I wish I didn’t.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> You ever have a really good idea for something? But then you make it and it turns out to be not nearly as good as you thought it was? Yeah. That's what this is.  
> Also, I can't seem to remember if Emma calls Snow 'Snow' instead of Mary Margret or mom or whatever. Same goes with pretty much all the names. But I just can't manage to find a single fuck to give about it.
> 
> This fic was based on the song Any Which Way by the Scissor Sisters. 
> 
> Comment?


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